The Price of Partnership
by mcatB
Summary: Johnny angsts over his partner's death
1. Default Chapter

"No!" Johnny yelled. "You just don't get it, do you?" he asked, taking another sip.

Captain Stanley flinched as the beer bottle hit the far wall, smashing into little pieces.

"It's all my fault," Johnny whispered, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.

Stanley crouched down in front of Johnny. He stayed silent for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. Usually, Roy was the one there for Johnny in moments like this. Roy always knew what to say to Johnny. He was his best friend. His partner. Or, he used to be.

"John. Listen to me," he started. "It's not your fault. No matter what you think, there was nothing you could have done," he tried to reason.

"Oh, God!" Johnny sobbed. "He was reaching out to me. He was begging for me to help him! And all I could do was watch him die!" he cried, banging his head against the wall.

"John-," Stanley started.

"What the hell kind of paramedic am I when I couldn't even save his life?!" he shouted, voice full of self-hatred.

"You're one of the best paramedics in the county. One who tried his damnedest to save a life. But you know what? Even the best doctors around here wouldn't have been able to do more," Stanley admonished. "You did the best you could with what you had. That's all you can ever do. You can't save everybody. Lord knows, I wish that weren't true, especially today. But it's not your fault!"

"Then whose is it?" Johnny countered. "God's?" he asked, sarcastically.

"John, listen to me, will ya, pal?" Stanley implored. "Nobody could have predicted what happened today. It was a brand new building. Walls aren't supposed to just fall down in brand new buildings," he said. "They aren't supposed to fall down onto parked squads," he added quietly.

"It should have been me. He always drives the squad," Johnny spoke. "But today I insisted. I insisted! I had to have my little power trip and drive the Goddamned squad!" he screamed, pounding his fists to the floor.

Finally, Hank Stanley couldn't keep his own grief inside anymore.

"And what about the rest of us? Huh? Do you think it was any easier on us? We had to watch too!" he shouted, looking directly into Johnny's eyes. "Is it Marco's fault because he couldn't get the jaws out quick enough? Is it Chet's fault because he wasn't strong enough to move all the bricks? Is it Mike's fault for parking the rig too far away? Huh? Or is it my fault for sending you on this call to begin with?" he questioned. "We're feeling just as bad as you do, John. We're all hurting inside," he said in a low voice, grabbing at his chest for emphasis. "But no one person is at fault for that accident today. No one person can be at fault for a fellow fireman's death," he said, his own voice cracking.

Johnny tried to cover his face with his hands. He tried to control his crying. Tried to hide his tears.

"John, his injuries were just too severe," Stanley said softly.

"But why him?" Johnny asked. "God, it should have been me. I don't have a wife or kids to take care of!" he sobbed.

"Maybe not today," Stanley countered. "Maybe someday you will. Maybe that's the plan, John. Maybe you were spared today for a reason," he added.

"Don't get religious on me, Cap," Johnny warned. "I don't need to hear any 'God's will' crap right now."

"Okay, don't call it 'God's will.' Call it fate. Call it karma. Call it LIFE," Stanley reasoned, taking Johnny by the shoulders.

Johnny looked at him closely. Looked into his eyes. He saw his Captain's grief mirroring his own. Johnny realized how selfish he had been.

"Oh, God, Cap," he cried. "I don't know what I'm gonna do."

Stanley sat on the floor next to him. He put his arm around Johnny's shoulders and held him. 

"Come on, pal. Closing time," he said, standing up and offering Johnny his hand. "I'll take you home."

"I'll do that," Roy said, entering the bar.

He and Stanley exchanged sorrowful looks.

"Sorry I couldn't get here sooner. We had a couple of calls late in the shift," he said, taking Johnny's arm and pulling it over his shoulder.

"It's okay, Roy," Stanley replied. "I'm glad you're here, though. He's not handling this too well," he added, gesturing to Johnny, now slumped between the two of them.

"Not too many people are," Roy said as he and Stanley walked Johnny out to Roy's car. "We're pretty shook up over at 14 as well."

"You sure you don't mind coming here then?" Stanley asked.

"Of course not, Cap. When Chet called and told me what happened, I knew how he'd react," Roy replied.

"Johnny's really missed you since you transferred. He and Bob were just starting to really click together, just like you two did," Stanley mused sadly.

Johnny started crying again at the mention of Bob's name. Roy buckled him into the front seat of his car and closed the door.

"You going to be okay with him?" Stanley asked.

"Yeah, sure. And Joanne knows what's going on. I'll stay with him at his place tonight," Roy said, opening the driver's door.

"Thanks again for coming, Roy," Stanley said, shaking Roy's hand.

"Any time, Cap. Give the guys my regards," he said. "Good night, Cap," he added.

"Good night, Cap, to you too," Stanley replied, pride in his voice.

Hank Stanley headed to his own car. He got in and sat behind the wheel. He took a deep breath and let it out. Bob Morgewicz was a good man. He had fit in well at Station 51 after Roy got promoted and got his own station to command. Stanley let his own tears flow now. It was going to be a long time before things got back to normal.

Author's note - Okay, raise your hands. How many of you actually thought I had the audacity to kill off Roy? Fooled ya! 


	2. 3 AM

3 A.M

Roy parked the car in front of the apartment building. He looked over at his passenger and sighed heavily. Johnny had been through quite a lot lately. Ever since the promotion that split up their team. Roy couldn't pass up the opportunity of a Captain's position. Sure, he missed being one half of the best paramedic team in the county, not to mention the comaraderie of the men he'd forged friendships with at Station 51. But he had to think of the financial and career gains he'd have by taking Station 14's post. While Johnny had been outwardly supportive and happy about the promotion, Roy knew that Johnny was disappointed. It wasn't too often that two people thrown together as paramedic partners melded as well as they had. The proof came over the next several of months as Johnny was paired with different paramedics until the County hired someone on a permanent basis. Roy recalled many a late night phone call from Johnny, begging him to come back, though not in those words.

The worst of course had come when Craig Brice had a two week stint as Johnny's partner. Then, finally, it happened. The County found their new paramedic. Bob Morgewicz had been a volunteer firefighter/paramedic in New York. After moving to California and taking the civil service exams for the County last year, he'd finally been hired. Johnny called Roy after their first call together, ecstatic that 'County had finally gotten their asses in gear.' That was two months ago.

Roy now recalled more recent events. Listening to the County radio. Hearing Hank Stanley's worried voice calling in the Code I. Listening to Johnny's stressed and cracking voice as he called in Bob's vitals to Rampart. Getting the phone call from Chet, hearing how Johnny had refused treatment for his own injuries and ran out of the ER when Dr. Brackett gave them and Bob's wife, Mary, the news of Bob's death.

He'd called the Chief and requested the rest of his own shift off. No sooner had he gotten off the phone with the Chief, and they'd gotten a call. It was hard to pay attention to his own men and their task, knowing that his best friend was in self destruct mode. Roy was relieved to find John Dyer, Station14's C-Shift Captain, waiting for him when his crew arrived back at the firehouse. The Chief had called John and told him what had happened. John gladly volunteered to relieve Roy. 

So, by the time he arrived at the Second Alarm, it was closing time. Roy found Hank on the floor next to Johnny, getting ready to take him home. Roy looked at Johnny again. He still had some of Bob's blood on his clothes. Mixed in with some of his own, Roy noticed. Chet had told him that Johnny had been hit with some of the bricks, too. And then scraped his hands almost raw trying to unbury Bob. 

Roy got out of the car and went to the passenger side. He opened the door, ready to catch Johnny's drunken form before he fell out. 'Good thing for seatbelts,' Roy thought, as Johnny's held him in the car. Roy unlatched the belt and grabbed Johnny around his waist and pulled, looping his limp arm around his shoulder. Roy was almost tempted to just drive him back to Rampart, but decided that Johnny would probably wake up in a better mood if he was home. 

Roy managed to get him into the apartment and guided him to the bedroom. Johnny was cooperative when Roy took his soiled clothes off, too drunk to resist. Roy heard Johnny mumbling incoherently, a few recognized names and words coming out. But Roy understood the torment behind those words. Johnny was remembering the accident. Roy got a washcloth from the bathroom and cleaned Johnny up. He found lots of bruises and several cuts, but none of them serious. He bandaged a few of them. Finally, after pulling the blankets over him, Roy turned out the light, saying "Goodnight, partner," before heading to the living room and Johnny's lumpy couch.

Roy woke up about an hour later. He saw the bathroom light on and went to check on Johnny. He found him kneeling in front of the toilet, throwing up. He went to his friend and put a comforting hand on his back, rubbing it lightly. Johnny looked up, startled. 

"Roy?" he asked, confused.

Roy realized that Johnny probably didn't even remember being taken home. 

"Hey, Johnny," he replied.

Johnny sat back heavily, leaning against the cool tiled wall. He wiped his mouth with the washcloth Roy handed him. He couldn't look at Roy, though. Images of Bob's bloody face came to mind. He closed his eyes and pressed his palms to them, trying to push the images away. Only now, Bob's voice tormented him, too. Bob's raspy voice, begging Johnny to get him out from under the bricks. Johnny's body betrayed him and he began shaking, crying.

"Oh, God!" he cried out, amidst the wracking sobs.

Roy crawled over and sat next to him. He pulled Johnny to him and held him, letting Johnny cry freely, even allowing his own tears to finally fall as Johnny clung to him. 

When Johnny finally calmed, Roy sat him up and stood. "Come on, let's get you back to bed," he said, offering him his hand.

Johnny took it, allowing Roy to guide him back to the bedroom. Once tucked in again, Johnny looked at his friend. "Roy?" he called, tentatively.

"Yeah, Johnny," Roy replied, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Roy could see that Johnny wanted to tell him something, needed to. But the words never came. Roy saw him fighting back the tears and the memories. Finally, Roy put a reassuring hand on Johnny's shoulder. "In time, Johnny," he said. "When you're ready, I'll be here."

"Thanks, Roy," Johnny responded.


	3. Guilt

When Roy woke up that morning, Johnny was gone. He found a note on the kitchen table, telling him that he was okay, that he had some things to do before the afternoon debriefing at headquarters. Roy had an idea about where Johnny was. Often times, when Johnny had problems and needed some space, he'd head up to one of the state parks and hike. He knew a couple of his favorite spots, having gone camping with him on many occasions. This morning would be a good morning for just such a hike for Johnny. 

Roy called Joanne, told her he'd be home soon. Then he called Hank Stanley. Let him know that Johnny had gotten home safe and sound and told him of Johnny's note, that he had planned on being at the debriefing. Roy asked how the rest of the crew and Bob's wife were faring, too. Hank asked Roy to come to the debriefing as well. Apparently, Hank was still worried about Johnny and hoped that Roy could help provide some extra moral support for his paramedic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The debriefing went as well as can be expected, Roy thought. He'd only been to one other such debriefing, before he was a paramedic, when one of his fellow firefighters had died at a bad apartment building fire. He watched as each of Station 51's men had to tell their versions of what had happened when they pulled up to the new building, ready to go in to rescue people from an office where a ceiling had collapsed. 'Apparently, the building had not met code in several areas,' Roy thought. Roy watched each one. Each one was upset. Each one still couldn't believe the tragedy of it all. Each one was under understandable stress and reacting appropriately.

Except Johnny. His reaction was a little different. Johnny took it personally. He still blamed himself, despite everyone's assurances to the contrary, for Bob's death. Roy knew Johnny did that to some extent for all the patients he'd had that hadn't made it. Always thinking there must have been something else he could have done. But Roy sensed something else in Johnny's words and posture. There was something else eating at him. Something else about Bob's death, that no amount of reassurance, no coroner's report or doctor's testimony, could do to ease Johnny's conscience. Roy just didn't know what it was. Yet. 

The Chief ended the debriefing, confident that all done was correct and properly documented. He then began to discuss the funeral arrangements. The department would be handling it for the family. He said that Mary Morgewicz had wanted Johnny, Chet, Marco and Mike to be pall bearers along with Bob's two brothers. Roy noticed that Johnny visibly paled at the mention of Mary's name. He seemed to lose any interest in what the Chief was saying, starting to drift off, staring at a spot on the wall. He came back suddenly, with an absent agreement to Hank's request to meet at the station in the morning before going to the funeral home together. Johnny was the first out the door when the Chief dismissed the group. 

Roy ran down the hall, calling to Johnny before catching up with him. Johnny stopped short, tilting his head back, waiting for Roy.

"Look, Roy," he started, not looking at his former partner. "I appreciate you getting me home last night and... and... being there for me. But I'm okay, now. I just need some space, okay?" he asked, finally meeting Roy's gaze.

"Sure, Johnny," Roy gave in. 

Johnny started to go, but was stopped by Roy's hand on his arm.

"I know you need some time to deal with this. Just remember that it helps to talk it out, too," he offered. 

Johnny nodded silently before heading back down the hall and out of the building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow Roy wasn't surprised when Hank called him the next morning. Johnny had failed to show up at the station or at the funeral home.

"Roy, I'm really worried about him," Stanley confessed.

"Yeah, I am too," Roy agreed.

"You don't think he'll..." Stanley started, unable to complete the thought.

"No, Cap, I don't think Johnny'd hurt himself," Roy assured him. 'Not physically, anyway,' Roy thought to himself. 

"Any idea where he might be?" Stanley asked. "He hasn't answered anyone's calls. When we went to his apartment, Mrs. Meyers said she saw him head out last night. Hasn't been back."

Roy thought about it for a minute before saying, "Yeah, I have an idea. I'll give you a call later on, let you know."

"Thanks, Roy," Stanley breathed, relief evident in his voice.

~~~~~~~~~~

Roy drove to the state park. There were several sites that Johnny liked in this one. One had a wooded trail that led to a lake. One had an open field area on a hill that overlooked a valley stream below. The last, the one Roy just knew Johnny would choose, had a steep trail through a wooded forest, up the side of a mountain to an area with large rock outcroppings. The view was spectacular if you were one to risk the climb. And Johnny definitely was. 

An hour later Roy reached the outcroppings. He spotted Johnny. Perched, of course, upon the highest one. Roy reached him easily, having done it before, knowing where all the good foot and hand holds were. 

"I was wondering when they'd send out the search party," Johnny muttered as Roy sat next to him.

"Cap called, said you didn't show up this morning. They're all pretty worried about you," Roy replied.

"What about you?" Johnny asked, still not looking at Roy.

"Yeah, I'm worried too," he replied. "But I know something they don't," he added.

That piqued Johnny's interest and he finally turned to look at Roy.

"And what might that be?" Johnny asked.

Roy took a deep breath. Double checked his belief. "You're afraid to face Mary," he said.

Johnny froze. Roy hit the nail on the head.

"But you don't have to be," Roy stressed. "Mary knows it was an accident. She knows there was nothing any of you could have done," Roy said. "She doesn't blame you, Johnny," he added, emphasizing the words by grabbing Johnny's shoulders, making him look into his eyes.

But Johnny just shrugged him off, letting out a small chuckle.

"She should," he said quietly, nodding his head.

"Johnny! What's it gonna take to get through to you?!" Roy demanded. "How many people have to tell you that you did all you could? That it was a freak accident that nobody could have predicted? That anybody, you included, could have been killed that day?"

"Yeah, but nobody else would have had such a lousy partner that day!" Johnny lashed out, his anger finally being released.

"Johnny, you did the best you could. Anybody else -" Roy started.

"Anybody else would have been thinking 'Poor Bob!'" Johnny shouted. "But you know what?!! You know what I was thinking?!" Johnny yelled, grabbing Roy. "I was thinking 'Thank God, it's not Roy!!!' Does that make you happy?" he demanded, starting to cry.

Roy was taken back. Johnny's words shocked him. Sure, they were best friends.... Johnny continued and Roy let him, knowing he needed to.

"How the hell can I face Mary, hell the rest of the guys," he continued. "Knowing that I was glad Bob died?!" 

"Johnny," Roy began. 

"No, Roy!" Johnny interupted. "The whole time he was calling to me. The whole time. I kept thinking that it could have been YOU there. And I was so Goddamned glad that it wasn't! Now how's that for a partner, huh?" he asked, self hatred in his voice.

Roy cupped Johnny's chin with his hand, forcing him to look at him and said, forcefully and evenly, "You aren't glad that Bob died, Johnny. You're happy that I'M alive. There's a BIG difference. Do you understand?"

Johnny tried to look away as the tears started to fall. But Roy wouldn't let him.

"Do you understand?" Roy repeated.

Not until Johnny tearfully nodded his head, finally understanding what his feelings were telling him, did Roy let go. But Johnny didn't turn away. 

"Roy, I ..." he started. 

"Johnny, you don't have to," Roy said, wanting to make this awkward moment easier.

"No, Roy. I have to say it," Johnny continued. "I don't know when I've had a better friend or partner in my life. When you got promoted, I just saw the end of the best partnership there was. It's like my life got cut in two. I miss Joanne and the kids. I miss you. I just don't know what I would have done if it was you there. And Bob was so young. He just found out that Mary was pregnant...." he added.

Johnny couldn't go on. Roy put his arm around Johnny's shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze. 

"You'd have carried on," Roy said. "You wouldn't let Joanne and the kids down. They know we're in a dangerous profession. They know the risks we take. And they know why. We are the hope - the belief and assurance that there are good people in the world, willing to make sacrifices for others. Mary knows that too. If we gave up everytime someone didn't make it, there wouldn't be anyone left. There would be no hope."

Johnny listened to Roy's words, silently agreeing with him.

"But how do I tell Mary?" he asked.

"Nobody says you have to, Johnny," Roy admonished. "You didn't do anything wrong. You were being human," he added.

They sat there in silence for a bit, watching the hawks circle the nearby mountainside. 

"Roy?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah, Johnny?" he responded.

"Let me know if 14 gets any openings for paramedics," he said.

"Sure, partner," Roy replied.


End file.
